Thursday, June 22, 2006

aku ingin menjadi hamba

Semalam aku bingung. Kerna hari ini adalah sesuatu yang aku rasa tidak terjadi jika apa yang aku bingungkan semalam tidak aku fikirkan. Aku bingung dengan rasa kehambaan yang aku udah hilang dari jiwa aku.

Aku bukan maksudkan rasa kehambaan aku seperti mana rasa kehambaan seorang kulit hitam kepada tuan Eropahnya. Atau rasa kehambaan seorang Badwi kepada ketua puaknya ketika padang pasir masih lagi sesuatu yang menakutkan. Itu keterlalun bagi aku. Mujur, ia udah hilang dan aku tidak sempat ketemu biarpun aku yakin, jika ia masih ada, aku berpeluang mempunyai segolongan hamba yang setia dengan aku.

Aku juga tidak memberi maksud rasa kehambaan terhadap sesuatu yang ngak bisa di sentuh . Seperti rasa kehambaan terhadap produk daun ganja juga buah popi. Itu perhambaan paksa yang paling rusak. Perhambaan terhadap kegemaran juga adalah sesuatu yang aku fikir tidak wajar. Kerna kita tahu kita gemar, namun secara tidak sadar kita udah menjadi hamba. Maksud aku sepreti kegemaran dengan aktivitas pancing ikan, hingga kita sanggup tinggal di sampan jauh dari hangat pelukan isteri kita di rumah. Juga dengan rasa perhambaan untuk televisi, muzik-muzik barat juga filem-filem porno.

Atau rasa perhambaan seorang teruna dengan seorang dara. dengan nama cinta meraka menjadi hamba antara satu sama lain. Melakukan apa saja untuk cinta berahi mereka. aBiar sengsara. namun rasa perhambaan itu telah mengikat akal sempurna meraka sehingga berlaku persetubuhan yang tidak halal.

Itu rasa perhambaan yang jauh dari kesucian . Kerna sama ada ia jatuh kepada bahagian yang gelap atau ia hanya meniti di antara keduanya, gelap atau putih. Tidak ada rasa perhambaan yang totok putih.

Apa yang aku mau ialah rasa kehambaan kepada Allah, biar pun jelas aku ini hamba kepadaNYA. Aku rasa ia udah lama hilang, paling akhir aku rasa aku akur dengan rasa perhambaan itu hanyalah ketika aku masih di rahim ibu. Setelah itu, sehinggalah aku bisa mencoret di sini, aku terus hilang rasa itu. Sebetulnya, jika mau rasa seperti hamba, apa sih yang harus kita rasa? Aku sendiri ngak pasti dengan soal itu. Harus aku lebih rapat dengan para kiyai atau sesiapa aja yang punyai janggut putih yang lebat. Pasti dia mereka punyai solusi . Kita dengan rasa semangat akan berterima kasih terus pulang kerumah untuk melaksanakan pengajaran mereka. Bangun esok, kita lupa lagi. Aduh.

Aku rasa aku bicara soal hamba ini juga ada bicara soal iman aku. Iman bukan sesuatu yang bisa hadir secara mudah. Ia perlu usaha, usaha, usaha. Apa usaha aku. Apa aku udah melaksanakan perintah Allah yang paling asas. Solat. Ia aku buat. bagaiman dengan solat jemaah. Jarang. Solat di awal waktu. Juga jarang. nah, usaha apa yang aku bilang, jika hal mudah seperti itu pun ngak aku buat. Jadi, jangan aku berharap sesuatu yang aku tidak usaha. Aku mau hati aku terus diam dari terus bicara, kerna aku malu. tapi hati aku terus bertanya. Baiklah, kamu kurang usaha, tapi kamu harus punyai imaginasi bagaimana rasa kehambaan sepatutnya yang kamu rasa jika kamu udah punya.

Hurm, aku rasa harus berkelakuan seperti hamba. Maksudnya, aku harus seperti hamba kulit hitam yang taat itu. Biar aku di cambuk atau di jemur di tengah ladang gandum. Aku tidak akan banyak bicara, hanya membuat tanpa soal. Tapi sekarang aku sepertinya banyak soal dengan segala macam yang aku hadapi. Aku mudah mempersoalkan mengapa aku susah untuk mendapatkan uang yang banyak. Juga aku persoalkan kenapa aku mengantuk yang amat sangat ketika ingin menuntun WC. Benar aku tidak persoalkan secara terus, tapi aku seolahnya ngak redha dengan apa yang aku peroleh biar aku tahu itu adalah sesutu yang di tentukan olehNya. Aku ini hanya tau mengeluh. Hamba apa kalau begini.

Mungkin juga aku harus berkelakuan seperti mana manusia yang menjadi hamba kepada narkoba. Sentiasa aja tidak senang duduk sentiasa aja gelisah jika tidak mencucuk jarum ke lengan yang kurus. Aku harus, bukan mungkin lagi. Aku harus berkelakuan seperti itu, sentiasa aja gelisah jika tidak memperingati mati, sentiasa aja susah hati jika tidak taubat atasa segala dosa-dosa aku. Harus aku mencucuk hati aku dengan jarum-jarum ibadah. biar aku merasa tenang untuk seketika sebalum akau menajdi tidak keruan lagi dengan nasib aku di kubur nanti.

Ini baru rasa hamba yang sebenarnya. Aku yakin, rasa kehambaan inilah yang di rasa oleh para nabi, para sahabat juga tabi, tabiin. Rasa kehambaan yangbetul-betul asli, rasa kehambaan yangterjadi setelah bertahun usaha mereka terhadap perkara itu. Fikiran aku terbuka. Aku melihat betapa besarnya rahmat Allah. Allah tidak mendatangkan sesuatu melainkan ia berharga untuk manusia. Allah memberi rasa kehambaan terhadap narkoba, rokok, mobil, cinta juga terhadap perkara lain sebagai satu perbandingan dengan rasa perhambaan kita terhadap Dia.

Benar rasa perhambaan terhadap perkara itu tidak suci, namun rasanya tetap sama, rasa hamba. Aku malu, malu. Selama ini aku merasakan betapa rasa perhambaan aku terhadap perkara lain melebihi rasa perhambaan aku terhadap Dia. Aku fikir aku melebihi rasa cinta aku pada perkara dunia, melebihi rindu aku lebih dari apa yang sepatutnya. Ini sesuatu yang udah nyata sebagai sifat mazmumah. Cinta dunia.

Aku kira solusi untuk perkara ini ringkas. Tapi tidak mudah. Tanam rasa kehambaan kita kepada Allah. Gunakan pengalaman rasa kehambaan kita terhadap cinta manusia, terhadap nyamannya rokok atau sensasinya muzik. Gunakan rasa kehambaan itu, untuk terus melaksanakan segala perintahNya menghindari segala laranganNya.

Rasa perhambaan itu sebenarnya udah wujud dalam diri kita. namun kita masih mencari kerna kita tidak pernah mahu mengkaji. Mungkin tidak bagi orang lain. tapi bagi aku, aku memang silap kerna tidak mengkaji rasa perhambaan ini. Bermula saat ini, aku dokan aku menjadi hamaba yang betul-betul punya rasa hamba. Untuk kalian juga.

udah petang. aku mau rehat. taa

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damn!... satu sesuatu yg dtg dari hati. satu yg belum aku baca lagi sebenarnya. lagi2 dalam bahasa melayu.(dlm english pernah aku baca tulisan begini, tapi bukan tentang penghambaan kepadaNYA ... tetapi pada Jesus)

aku kira aku sudah byk letakkan komen ttg tulisan kau. damn! kau dah ada seorang pengikut sekarang (tapi aku tak akan menghambakan diri seperti seorang negro pada tuan Eropahnya.. hihihi)

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